Tuesday, January 15, 2008

today has been so hard to deal with. i keep crying out of nowhere. i'll stop and be okay but then i'll start thinking about him and just break down. oh this is so hard. i love him so much. i miss him so much. i've been texting him all day today
but it's just so hard. i want things to go back to normal but i doubt they will
nothing will ever be the same ever again i know it and that kills me. liek i told him i wish i could wake up and have this all be one horrible nightmare and just foret about it and move on. but then reality hits me and i realize this isn't a dream. this is the real thing. i am hurting like crazy. my heart is aching. i have tears running down my face. i am shaking.

he called me babe today. and that tore me apart. it's so hard because it's over. we're over. he had to choose between me and her and he chose her. he says she's no me. nor will she ever be. he said he doesn't even know her and probably just was an adrenaline rush.. but you dont hurt the person you love like this. i told him to just had broken up with me instead. it would have hurt so much less than to go through what i am going through now. this is a pain that is just so undescribable.

he means so much to me. he was such a big part of me and my life. my mom liked him. his sisters were my sisters. we talked all day long and fell asleep together. i could go to him for anything and everything. i could open up and just talk to him about anything i needed to say. he was my best friend and i really feel as though i lost my better half..

i don't know how to feel. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to say. i don't know. i just don't know. this is killing me.. so bad.. my cheeks are covered in tears. once again i am crying and i just have to sit here and take it. cause ther's nohing i can do. he doesn't know what he wants. so how can i possibly try and make things better when things are so unsure. i don't know if things wil be okay as he says. because i am already hurt. i have been let down. i gave him my heart and instead of him handing it to me gently he threw it on the floor and it broke and now is hurting so bad.

Monday, January 14, 2008

A week has gone by. Ive been crying so much.
I had a migrane the size of France last night.
I can't take this. My heart hurts.
there's something missing in my tummy.
They say it gets easier as time goes by..
but as time passes it gets worse and worse

At first it hurt so much.. A feeling I cannot describe.
We didnt talk. He wouldn't talk to me.
He took me out of his life. I didnt know what to do..
but days went by and I stopped hurting as much.
everyone did every thing they could to make me smile.
The pain stopped. I wasn't hurting as much
but there was still something missing.

I couldn't stop thinking about him.
I needed to talk to him. To hear it from him
why he did it.. But I could never get myself
to dial those simple 10 digits that I had once memorized.
nor could I get myself to text a simple hello.

My heart started hurting again.
and I couldn't take it anymore.
I text him. I had to. I needed to know.
Know why it happened the way it did.

but he had no answer to my question.
talking to him was just so hard.

A year and a half gone.
my king kong. My banana pie. My sweetybear.. Gone.

With some new girl..
But I sit here all by myself. Heart broken.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

I ask you now why'd you do it? Why didnt you just break it off long ago? This ones all on you. Every inch of it. Everything makes a lot of sense to me. All the wierd andstrange things you did. How you'd act. Every fucken thing fits the puzzle.
fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice fucken shame on me.
I'm not just gonna say it was all bad, the times you were being honest were Pretty great. Its just a shame that you can't admit to people the truth. Not for me but for yourself. You were with me for a year and ahalf. You told meyou loved me over and over. You wouldn't break up with me. Why can't you say that? What was that so hard? Yet you have the balls to do what you did?
what do I now? I'm just curious.
from the words of my brother: "listen roxie. Shit like this sucks I know. But you have to be better than them. Suck it up and move on. He obviously has. Go out have your fun. Go back to your normal self. Your a strong girl. Everyone knows that. Don't let someone bring you down. Everything happens for a reason, you believe that. Its true its a new year make the best of this year. Do everything you didnt do last year. Talk to who you want to talk. And never let any guy decide what you can and cannot do. And if thy try tell them to go fuck themselves.i love you a lot, your my little sister and we all want what's best for you. Let every tear come out, don't hold any back.get it out so you can lift that head of yours back up and move on. I have a feeling this year a going to be a good year for you."

Thursday, January 3, 2008

oh my god. yesterday.. one of my closest tios. out of the two.. passed away. i don't know how to feel. he's with his brother now. with my daddy. oh this is terrible. how is the family going to react.. in 20 days. it'll be my daddys one year being gone. oh man..

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

oh my birthday was great!
i love everyone who came over.
i love everyone who loves me.
i'm quite happy with how this year has started

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

happy birthday to me!!!!!
this year is going to be a good one. (:

Ps I love my honey